I miss her.
The way her eyes lit up when I walked in the door.
Feet shuffling quickly to embrace me before her limbs could no longer carry her another step.
Arms wrapped shakily around my shoulders,
Mustering every bit of energy left to hug me as if it were her last time.
Captivated by my every word.
Consumed by my every movement.
Entranced by my every smile.
Pride seeped through her skin
Allowing her to glow as though she were an angel straight from the Lord's side.
And she was.
Cliche as it may seem she was.
My sentiments do not stay grounded in only her perception of me
But instead in her ability to see right through me.
Her effortless instincts to protect me.
Because she loved me.
Just as her love hovered over my brother, mother, aunts, and cousins.
Just as the grace bestowed upon her by God was translated into a rare beauty I was blessed to see.
For she saw in everyone the very things we were to0 scared to see in ourselves.
Forgiveness was not a choice but instead an automatic subconscious that would routinely flow from her soul.
She was an angel sent from the Lord's side.
And I miss her.
And yet I took her for granted.
Neglected the opportunities to learn from her mistakes.
Rejected the chance to harness her wisdom.
Dismissed the flighting moments in which I could have stored better memories.
Those picture movies that are never more precious than in times like these.
Because a year after her departure from Earth,
The memories of her suffering overwhelm the memories of her health.
Her pain consumes her happiness.
Her loss dominates my heart.
So I sleep with her picture beside my bed.
Hoping that I can one day see the upset of good over bad.
Exchanging the unwanted memories with those I wish to remember better.
Restoring the picture movie.
Enhancing the past.
Because a year after her departure from this Earth,
I still miss her.
RIP Grandma Sandy.
Forever Loved
Forever Missed
Casaundra Johnson
October 27, 2009
4:28am
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Bonnie And Clyde
Like rainddrops on the window
Are the teardrops upon my cheeks.
Too numerous to number,
For my abused sisters I weep.
I speak these words for the innocent young girl, broken young woman, the middle age victims to breathe.
Their hearts bleed,
In honor of the evil he felt the need to feed.
Like the Bonnie and Clyde duo,
He stole her innocence.
Except this time it was all Clyde and no Bonnie,
Because Bonnie was too busy playing with dolls and reading picture books to know,
To know to say no,
To know she could say no.
But now,
Now she knows.
Because the flashbacks haunt her dreams,
And the reality is all to deep.
Even as I speak, I begin to feel weak.
I can't bear to voice all the things he did to me
To her
To you.
And she too is weak.
No one knows the pain she feels inside,
And its no wonder she turned to drugs, alcohol, and lies,
Running the streets looking for love,
Because before she learned to multiply,
Her troubles have been multiplied,
Creating an equation too difficult to solve.
And it doesnt take a math genius to know,
That trouble times trouble, equals trouble squared
Add pain, subtract love, raise to the unfamiliar power, and divide by six.
Or maybe seven.
Years of abuse that is.
She doesnt really know because she blocked too much out.
Thinking if she forced herself not to remember,
It would be one less thing to think about.
See her daddy loved her but a little bit too much,
And since he made her he thought it was ok to touch.
Her brother, he too acted like he cared
But by puberty he had taken his share.
Leaving little left for her to give away
Because all she once offered had been given to pay.
Pay the price of her father's insecurity,
Her brothers curiosity,
And her boyfriend's incapability,
To control himself.
Her voice had been taken,
And kept beyond her reach,
And when she found it she thought that no one would believe
So she kept it in her heart,
Buried within her chest
All the while wearing an invisible scarlet letter upon her breast.
Except this letter wasnt bleeding of her sin,
But instead had been burned on by the sins of these men.
If only she knew how to speak
How to put together the words,
Then maybe she could put together the cure,
The cure to make her soul pure.
But no,
Because society says dont talk about abuse,
And even her own mother couldnt accept it as truth.
So goes on each day
Trying to find a new prayer to pray
Because the one from yesterday
Isnt working today,
And the pain is still there
And the scars wont fade,
And the last boyfriend she had treated her the same old way,
The same way her brother, her daddy, and the first boy did,
An object of possession
Her body is obsession
Not willing to learn his lesson,
All at her expense.
So she cries it out each night feeling like everyday is another fight
A battle between the present and the past
Because she knows that present leads to future
And the future depends on the past
But in the prestent, she cant seem to accept her past
So she cries a little more
And she prays a little harder.
But she never forgets to thank God for how far he has brought her.
See she graduated with honors,
Was the first to go to college.
No sons, no daughters.
And she knows that soon enough the pain will begin to fade,
But before she forgives them,
She has a few more things to say.
You hurt me,
You broke me
You took my innocence away.
Because of you my life will forever be changed.
But no longer will i be silent,
I refuse to continue to ache.
I am taking a stand, because it is MY life that is at stake.
For your power I will be free.
Because I am taking all back for me.
I have my voice,
And trust me, it is here to stay.
But as for you sir,
I suggest that you pray
Because you have alot to explain to God
On judgement day.
Are the teardrops upon my cheeks.
Too numerous to number,
For my abused sisters I weep.
I speak these words for the innocent young girl, broken young woman, the middle age victims to breathe.
Their hearts bleed,
In honor of the evil he felt the need to feed.
Like the Bonnie and Clyde duo,
He stole her innocence.
Except this time it was all Clyde and no Bonnie,
Because Bonnie was too busy playing with dolls and reading picture books to know,
To know to say no,
To know she could say no.
But now,
Now she knows.
Because the flashbacks haunt her dreams,
And the reality is all to deep.
Even as I speak, I begin to feel weak.
I can't bear to voice all the things he did to me
To her
To you.
And she too is weak.
No one knows the pain she feels inside,
And its no wonder she turned to drugs, alcohol, and lies,
Running the streets looking for love,
Because before she learned to multiply,
Her troubles have been multiplied,
Creating an equation too difficult to solve.
And it doesnt take a math genius to know,
That trouble times trouble, equals trouble squared
Add pain, subtract love, raise to the unfamiliar power, and divide by six.
Or maybe seven.
Years of abuse that is.
She doesnt really know because she blocked too much out.
Thinking if she forced herself not to remember,
It would be one less thing to think about.
See her daddy loved her but a little bit too much,
And since he made her he thought it was ok to touch.
Her brother, he too acted like he cared
But by puberty he had taken his share.
Leaving little left for her to give away
Because all she once offered had been given to pay.
Pay the price of her father's insecurity,
Her brothers curiosity,
And her boyfriend's incapability,
To control himself.
Her voice had been taken,
And kept beyond her reach,
And when she found it she thought that no one would believe
So she kept it in her heart,
Buried within her chest
All the while wearing an invisible scarlet letter upon her breast.
Except this letter wasnt bleeding of her sin,
But instead had been burned on by the sins of these men.
If only she knew how to speak
How to put together the words,
Then maybe she could put together the cure,
The cure to make her soul pure.
But no,
Because society says dont talk about abuse,
And even her own mother couldnt accept it as truth.
So goes on each day
Trying to find a new prayer to pray
Because the one from yesterday
Isnt working today,
And the pain is still there
And the scars wont fade,
And the last boyfriend she had treated her the same old way,
The same way her brother, her daddy, and the first boy did,
An object of possession
Her body is obsession
Not willing to learn his lesson,
All at her expense.
So she cries it out each night feeling like everyday is another fight
A battle between the present and the past
Because she knows that present leads to future
And the future depends on the past
But in the prestent, she cant seem to accept her past
So she cries a little more
And she prays a little harder.
But she never forgets to thank God for how far he has brought her.
See she graduated with honors,
Was the first to go to college.
No sons, no daughters.
And she knows that soon enough the pain will begin to fade,
But before she forgives them,
She has a few more things to say.
You hurt me,
You broke me
You took my innocence away.
Because of you my life will forever be changed.
But no longer will i be silent,
I refuse to continue to ache.
I am taking a stand, because it is MY life that is at stake.
For your power I will be free.
Because I am taking all back for me.
I have my voice,
And trust me, it is here to stay.
But as for you sir,
I suggest that you pray
Because you have alot to explain to God
On judgement day.
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