First time,
Second time,
Third time..
Fourth.
Why so many times have I heard this shit before?
Talking bout your great, your amazing.
But you just not the one for me.
The first: compliment
Second time: confused.
Third time: i felt like knocking him out of his shoes.
Fourth time though:this time was different.
Because after hearing it so many times
Not only is it my mentality,
But i know that he meant it.
I will never be the one.
I will never be enough.
There will always be a replacement.
There is nothing special about my touch,
my personality.
me.
So instead I guard my heart
A little more than I did before.
Add you to the list of guys that couldnt possibly hurt me more.
I fight the undying desire for old habits to surface.
Praying for the Lord to deliver me.
To offer me solace.
'never regret anything that once made you smile'
So i refuse to let you become a regret.
Because its just not my style.
Maybe one day you'll resurface into my present.
But for now im guarded.
More than before.
Unable to focus.
Too damn sore.
November 8, 2008
Thursday, November 19, 2009
My Wish, My Hope, For You
I wish I could swoop down,Hover over you and take all this away.
I wish I could look at you and promise that tomorrow will be a better day.
You tell me your not strong enough.
I wish you would realize that you are.
I wish that you could see the beauty I see,
I wish you didnt have to suffer another scar.
I wish I were there with you,
To take help take the pain away.
I wish I could feel it for you,
I wish I knew what to say.
I wish this were me, not you.
I wish there was something that I could do
I wish things were better right now
I wish things hadnt happened this way.
All these wishes I know i cant make come true.
My deepest wish however,
is that God will bring you through.
I hope you know I love you.
I hope you know I care.
I hope you know that you have me and many others that will always be there.
I hope you realize that everything happens for a reason.
I hope you understand that this pain you feel,
Is sparing you more trouble in a later season.
I hope you know you deserve better.
I hope that you dont give up.
I hope that you understand that 'after the storm there is always a rainbow'.
I hope you see that this is not all God has in store for you.
I hope HE brings you something better; a day of new.
I hope you will find happiness,
Not in earthly things but in the One above.
Because HE is the one that can truly show you love.
I hope this gets easier with each passing day.
I hope that you take all this as a lesson,
To help you grow along the way.
I hope that you dont hold regrets.
I hope that you can let it go.
I hope you know I love you,
I hope that is something you never forget.
I hope that you will rise above.
Because that is what you need to do.
But if that is too hard, Please let me help you through.
This too shall pass.
I promise you that.A
nd there will be a brighter day,
And this only a thing of the past.
I hope you stay true to you,
And never forget that God sent his only begotten son,
For the world, for me, for You!
December 1, 2008
I wish I could look at you and promise that tomorrow will be a better day.
You tell me your not strong enough.
I wish you would realize that you are.
I wish that you could see the beauty I see,
I wish you didnt have to suffer another scar.
I wish I were there with you,
To take help take the pain away.
I wish I could feel it for you,
I wish I knew what to say.
I wish this were me, not you.
I wish there was something that I could do
I wish things were better right now
I wish things hadnt happened this way.
All these wishes I know i cant make come true.
My deepest wish however,
is that God will bring you through.
I hope you know I love you.
I hope you know I care.
I hope you know that you have me and many others that will always be there.
I hope you realize that everything happens for a reason.
I hope you understand that this pain you feel,
Is sparing you more trouble in a later season.
I hope you know you deserve better.
I hope that you dont give up.
I hope that you understand that 'after the storm there is always a rainbow'.
I hope you see that this is not all God has in store for you.
I hope HE brings you something better; a day of new.
I hope you will find happiness,
Not in earthly things but in the One above.
Because HE is the one that can truly show you love.
I hope this gets easier with each passing day.
I hope that you take all this as a lesson,
To help you grow along the way.
I hope that you dont hold regrets.
I hope that you can let it go.
I hope you know I love you,
I hope that is something you never forget.
I hope that you will rise above.
Because that is what you need to do.
But if that is too hard, Please let me help you through.
This too shall pass.
I promise you that.A
nd there will be a brighter day,
And this only a thing of the past.
I hope you stay true to you,
And never forget that God sent his only begotten son,
For the world, for me, for You!
December 1, 2008
Monday, November 16, 2009
Free Write - Computers
Like a surrogate heart,
You store my everything.
Images of images that I somehow forget,
Documents of work stored and rarely ever sought
Its like you know me,
And almost are me.
Because I open my laptop and see me.
My love.
My interest.
My work.
My school.
And though I store everything in you,
All my trust,
hopes
dreams,
protected by a code that is known only to me,
That is all you do.
Store everything.
Like my heart,
you are a combination of everything I am too scared to get rid of.
Too sore to face.
So I keep everything in you,
Tucked away.
You cannot calm my nerves
You cannot hug me tight.
You cannot be there to protect me on a lonely night
But I still rely on you.
Like nothing else in this world.
The things that you can do I cannot trust to man,
And mans duties I can not assign to you
And though it is easy to forget I must not lose sight of what it is you do.
You store things.
And occasionally run slow.
You serve as my connection to things I want to know.
You sometimes break and practically ask to be broken.
You are no prize token,
But you are my heart.
My surrogate heart.
That is the summation of all Im too scared to get rid of.
The window into my soul.
You store my everything.
Images of images that I somehow forget,
Documents of work stored and rarely ever sought
Its like you know me,
And almost are me.
Because I open my laptop and see me.
My love.
My interest.
My work.
My school.
And though I store everything in you,
All my trust,
hopes
dreams,
protected by a code that is known only to me,
That is all you do.
Store everything.
Like my heart,
you are a combination of everything I am too scared to get rid of.
Too sore to face.
So I keep everything in you,
Tucked away.
You cannot calm my nerves
You cannot hug me tight.
You cannot be there to protect me on a lonely night
But I still rely on you.
Like nothing else in this world.
The things that you can do I cannot trust to man,
And mans duties I can not assign to you
And though it is easy to forget I must not lose sight of what it is you do.
You store things.
And occasionally run slow.
You serve as my connection to things I want to know.
You sometimes break and practically ask to be broken.
You are no prize token,
But you are my heart.
My surrogate heart.
That is the summation of all Im too scared to get rid of.
The window into my soul.
Pretty Wings----Unedited Version
Words cannot express my emotions
For if they could, I would string them into eloquent sentences and fling them in your face.
But I can't.
Because I fail to understand how I feel.
Lack the ability to formulate a sentence that thoroughly explains my heart.
So instead I write.
Fingertips punching keys as letters become words and words become sentences.
Sentences become emotions.
I am not sad, because sadness lacks power, and power I do have.
I am not angry for anger is bred from a lack of self control, and that I too possess.
Tears have stopped flowing and my throat is too sore to sob.
My limbs have regained strength and my stomach no longer swollen with angst.
I am in effect, unaffected by you, and yet I am still writing
Therefore I am still driven by you.
Numb.
Yet even when a lack of feeling is felt, a feeling is still there to be felt.
So I search for the appropriate word to title this numbness.
Hunt for the right letters to sum what I feel
And come up short.
Had this been a year ago my page would be filled with clever little sayings about how you never make someone a priority when they only make you an option.
But you see I didnt.
My priorities never changed, and when you fell for me I was more than an option.
And had this been some time ago, I would have taken measures in hopes to make you feel the same pain I initially felt,
But you see I didnt take them.
My satisfaction does not rest in your pain, nor do I want to see your heart bleed.
Given a different time, I would have stripped you of my life while simultaneously dangling myself just beyond your grasp, taunting you with my presence, reminding you of everything you walked away from.
But you see I wont do it.
No matter how much time passes, I will never be beyond your grasp because in your life I was more than just a flash, and you in mine more than just a scar.
And there was a time where you would club a baby seal for me,
Just to see me smile!
But no more.
For my smile isnt enough.
And your eyes used to shine bright when I walked into a room,
You were captivated by me.
But no more.
I must have lost my luster.
And my inbox used to be filled with songs that reminded you of me,
But no more.
Because your heart forgot how to sing.
And you say you will always love me
And you know ill always love you
But I guess that love just isnt enough to carry you through.
And they say it takes twice as long to forget as it did to ever learn
So I guess 17 months and two weeks from now Ill have my turn.
But when it comes ill fight to hold on to your memory
Because for some reason, I don't want you to fade.
And trust me, thats not something easy for me to say.
See I know our lives will continue to cross paths.
I am not dilusional enough to think that we will grow old together in a fairytale setting,
For that chapter was never written in my mind.
You wouldnt allow it to be.
I however rest in knowing that the changes spurred by your presence molded me into a better version of me,
A me I always wanted to be, yet never was able to see.
So I became the me that was impossible to be.
The me that opens my heart to a real you.
The me that becomes the girlfriend I was with you.
The me that loses herself just enough to never be lost.
The me that knows who I am at all costs.
So this emotion I feel does not stem from negativity.
But instead from deep seeded gratitude.
Maybe these sentences I wish to fling are not ones of misplaced love,
But thanks for the ability to spread my brand new wings,
And fly again
Like it is the very first time.
So no matter how far I travel,
I'll never be too far away.
And no matter where these wings take me,
Ill never forget how they were built.
Because these pretty wings are built of love.
For if they could, I would string them into eloquent sentences and fling them in your face.
But I can't.
Because I fail to understand how I feel.
Lack the ability to formulate a sentence that thoroughly explains my heart.
So instead I write.
Fingertips punching keys as letters become words and words become sentences.
Sentences become emotions.
I am not sad, because sadness lacks power, and power I do have.
I am not angry for anger is bred from a lack of self control, and that I too possess.
Tears have stopped flowing and my throat is too sore to sob.
My limbs have regained strength and my stomach no longer swollen with angst.
I am in effect, unaffected by you, and yet I am still writing
Therefore I am still driven by you.
Numb.
Yet even when a lack of feeling is felt, a feeling is still there to be felt.
So I search for the appropriate word to title this numbness.
Hunt for the right letters to sum what I feel
And come up short.
Had this been a year ago my page would be filled with clever little sayings about how you never make someone a priority when they only make you an option.
But you see I didnt.
My priorities never changed, and when you fell for me I was more than an option.
And had this been some time ago, I would have taken measures in hopes to make you feel the same pain I initially felt,
But you see I didnt take them.
My satisfaction does not rest in your pain, nor do I want to see your heart bleed.
Given a different time, I would have stripped you of my life while simultaneously dangling myself just beyond your grasp, taunting you with my presence, reminding you of everything you walked away from.
But you see I wont do it.
No matter how much time passes, I will never be beyond your grasp because in your life I was more than just a flash, and you in mine more than just a scar.
And there was a time where you would club a baby seal for me,
Just to see me smile!
But no more.
For my smile isnt enough.
And your eyes used to shine bright when I walked into a room,
You were captivated by me.
But no more.
I must have lost my luster.
And my inbox used to be filled with songs that reminded you of me,
But no more.
Because your heart forgot how to sing.
And you say you will always love me
And you know ill always love you
But I guess that love just isnt enough to carry you through.
And they say it takes twice as long to forget as it did to ever learn
So I guess 17 months and two weeks from now Ill have my turn.
But when it comes ill fight to hold on to your memory
Because for some reason, I don't want you to fade.
And trust me, thats not something easy for me to say.
See I know our lives will continue to cross paths.
I am not dilusional enough to think that we will grow old together in a fairytale setting,
For that chapter was never written in my mind.
You wouldnt allow it to be.
I however rest in knowing that the changes spurred by your presence molded me into a better version of me,
A me I always wanted to be, yet never was able to see.
So I became the me that was impossible to be.
The me that opens my heart to a real you.
The me that becomes the girlfriend I was with you.
The me that loses herself just enough to never be lost.
The me that knows who I am at all costs.
So this emotion I feel does not stem from negativity.
But instead from deep seeded gratitude.
Maybe these sentences I wish to fling are not ones of misplaced love,
But thanks for the ability to spread my brand new wings,
And fly again
Like it is the very first time.
So no matter how far I travel,
I'll never be too far away.
And no matter where these wings take me,
Ill never forget how they were built.
Because these pretty wings are built of love.
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