Pretty Wings----Unedited Version

Words cannot express my emotions
For if they could, I would string them into eloquent sentences and fling them in your face.
But I can't.
Because I fail to understand how I feel.
Lack the ability to formulate a sentence that thoroughly explains my heart.
So instead I write.
Fingertips punching keys as letters become words and words become sentences.
Sentences become emotions.
I am not sad, because sadness lacks power, and power I do have.
I am not angry for anger is bred from a lack of self control, and that I too possess.
Tears have stopped flowing and my throat is too sore to sob.
My limbs have regained strength and my stomach no longer swollen with angst.
I am in effect, unaffected by you, and yet I am still writing
Therefore I am still driven by you.
Numb.
Yet even when a lack of feeling is felt, a feeling is still there to be felt.
So I search for the appropriate word to title this numbness.
Hunt for the right letters to sum what I feel
And come up short.
Had this been a year ago my page would be filled with clever little sayings about how you never make someone a priority when they only make you an option.
But you see I didnt.
My priorities never changed, and when you fell for me I was more than an option.
And had this been some time ago, I would have taken measures in hopes to make you feel the same pain I initially felt,
But you see I didnt take them.
My satisfaction does not rest in your pain, nor do I want to see your heart bleed.
Given a different time, I would have stripped you of my life while simultaneously dangling myself just beyond your grasp, taunting you with my presence, reminding you of everything you walked away from.
But you see I wont do it.
No matter how much time passes, I will never be beyond your grasp because in your life I was more than just a flash, and you in mine more than just a scar.
And there was a time where you would club a baby seal for me,
Just to see me smile!
But no more.
For my smile isnt enough.
And your eyes used to shine bright when I walked into a room,
You were captivated by me.
But no more.
I must have lost my luster.
And my inbox used to be filled with songs that reminded you of me,
But no more.
Because your heart forgot how to sing.
And you say you will always love me
And you know ill always love you
But I guess that love just isnt enough to carry you through.
And they say it takes twice as long to forget as it did to ever learn
So I guess 17 months and two weeks from now Ill have my turn.
But when it comes ill fight to hold on to your memory
Because for some reason, I don't want you to fade.
And trust me, thats not something easy for me to say.
See I know our lives will continue to cross paths.
I am not dilusional enough to think that we will grow old together in a fairytale setting,
For that chapter was never written in my mind.
You wouldnt allow it to be.
I however rest in knowing that the changes spurred by your presence molded me into a better version of me,
A me I always wanted to be, yet never was able to see.
So I became the me that was impossible to be.
The me that opens my heart to a real you.
The me that becomes the girlfriend I was with you.
The me that loses herself just enough to never be lost.
The me that knows who I am at all costs.
So this emotion I feel does not stem from negativity.
But instead from deep seeded gratitude.
Maybe these sentences I wish to fling are not ones of misplaced love,
But thanks for the ability to spread my brand new wings,
And fly again
Like it is the very first time.
So no matter how far I travel,
I'll never be too far away.
And no matter where these wings take me,
Ill never forget how they were built.
Because these pretty wings are built of love.